You are loved, don't go.

June 13, 2018

For anyone going through mental illness, I'm here for you. I suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks. I had bad thoughts like throwing my car into a tree when I was in my mid teens early 20's and I can understand how paralyzing it feels. I spent many days stuck in my bed laying under my blankets not wanting to move, crying everyday and asking God, "is this what life is? This is it? because it sucks."


I just couldn't see through the dark veil (depression) that was over me. I couldn't foresee any good changes in my life. I felt safe at home, in bed, with my cat. The anxiety was real, sitting up at night until the wee hours of the morning sucked into watching other peoples lives go by, dissecting every little part of my life, things that weren't of importance. It felt like there was absolutely nothing for me. 


I had a bad experience with anti-depressants when I was in my late teens and it actually made me feel WORSE. The doctor I had at the time didn't seem to care to take time to get to know me or understand me and threw me on an anti-depressant within 5 minutes of me being in the doctors office. I thought to myself, "well that was easy, any actor can come in here and just get pills". The medication was not working, it was making the panic attacks worse. She just up'd the milligrams. 


Finally, I told her I was going to take myself off of it because it didn't make me feel good. She said "fine." and I said, so aren't I suppose to ween myself off of this? And that's when she explained to me how to do it. BE AN ADVOCATE FOR YOUR OWN BODY AND MIND. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOUR BODY BEST. 


For the next few years I struggled. It was hard for me to go out, ask my friends. I remember one time I told my friend Dana as I was crying, I just couldn't see myself coming into the city of Boston for the night with the girls and that I was probably going to stay home. Dana told me to take nice deep breath, put Beyonce on and just come to the hotel and I could always leave if I needed to. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE GOOD PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WHO LOVE YOU, UNDERSTAND YOU AND DON'T JUDGE YOU. And guess what? It was one of the best nights of my life. There was another time dana held me as I was having one of the worst panic attacks in my life. For over a half hour she breathed with me at 4am to help. Dana is one of my people <3 She has helped me through many panic attacks and has loved me for me through my darkest days. I am forever grateful. I love you.


One day, I finally went to a new doctor and broke down. I had to kick my pride to the side and ask for help. The new doctor took her time with me. Listened to me. She did not rush through my appointment and she BELIEVED ME. I told her I felt my pride was being kicked in the balls if I was being put on medication and she said, "You do not have to be on this forever but let's see what it can do for you." I trusted her. And it changed my life forever. I have been on this medication for 5 years now. 


Because of the medication I am on, Lexapro (10mg) I am finally ME without the extra crap that wasn't me! I am constantly traveling without fear, I traveled through Ireland by myself at one point, I went to ISRAEL, to Paris, road trips across america. Oh and let's not forget, I moved 3000 miles away from my home and I am GOOD. I use to fear moving far away because, "what if I have a panic attack?" 


I don't hide in my bed anymore. I laugh a lot and make others laugh. I don't cry before every event I have because I don't feel like I have to fake a smile anymore. I feel fearless, light, strong, empowered all because of this medication that helps me BE ME. This medication helps me boost my serotonin levels. Think about it, have you been deficient in a vitamin before? Vitamin A,B,C,D? You take a supplement for it to boost those levels right? Same with serotonin. 


If you struggle with mental illness, you are not crazy. You are not alone. There are more people in this world who don't talk about it because they don't want to be judged. I don't care about being judged because my life is amazing. And those who are judging are the ones deep down who need the help most, they're just scared. Oh, and for the record, when I am at CVS picking up my medication I proudly say out loud, ' PICKING UP FOR CANDACE DALTON... LEXAPRO! OH AND ATIVAN! OH OH AND MY BIRTH CONTROL! DON'T WANT THOSE BABIES JUST YET" I am not ashamed. I am proud. I am able to be ME, I am able to be present. I am able to enjoy my family & friends and what this world has to offer. 


I believe in Cannabis and the power it has to help others. I also use tinctures and smoke marijuana before bed when I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I have the perfect person who can help you with that if you have questions about cannabis and what it can do for you <3


I am here to talk if anyone needs it. If your doctor sucks, find a new one. If you feel like nothing is working for you, try again. I am open minded, I am non-judgmental. If you need to talk to someone anonymously 1-800-273-8255 there's the number. It's available for you 24/7.


 Please share this. You may help someone today. 




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